I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
