If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
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Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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