i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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