Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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