Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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