so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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