Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
