im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
