Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
