shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Drunk is not a location!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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