textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
