just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
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The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
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Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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