ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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