I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
