That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
