i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
