No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
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Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
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But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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