New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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