I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
