Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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