Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
