you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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