I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
