I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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