I met the friendliest cop last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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