Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
