I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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