I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
