In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
