This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
