I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
