holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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