Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
