so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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