So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
