Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
pop tarts are not kleenex
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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