totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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