Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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