saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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