i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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