Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
