Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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