I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
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Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i now understand why vodka
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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