My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
