Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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