Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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