Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize