haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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