I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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