i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
