woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
