I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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