It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize