One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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