i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
