there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
