I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just made my gag reflex go away.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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