Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
