So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
