another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
