3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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