Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
