we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
