She's like a pop up book from hell.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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