I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
